It is done. The beginning of the end. From here, it will be seen how the remainder goes. It could not continue the way it was, the way it had been. So…

So far it’s been 115,608 hours since she came here. Seems like a lot longer than that. Started this morning off like every other morning for the last nearly 4,817 mornings. What really stumps me is how we can have a relatively decent evening the night before, yet she will inevitably wake up the same no matter how the night before went. And the way she wakes up is unbearable.

They always say hindsight is 20/20. I couldn’t agree more, but I think the more revealing quote is the one at the beginning of the movie Platoon: ‘Youth– is wasted on the young’. Ahh, if only we’d known. If only I had known. How many people have said ”If only I had known”? Everyone who has ever lived? Why are we so afraid, yet so invincibly ignorant when we’re young? What a sad and ironic paradox. Of course, like everyone, I always felt that I was special. And certainly, being a Virgo born of a Virgo, only added to that surmisation.

Should’ve known long ago that I was meant to be a loner. I mean, come on. Everyone else knew. Or at least strongly suspected. But, being the maverick that I am, I had to test not just the waters, but the limits of the waters. I… had to attempt to bend fate to my whims. Or so I thought. Who hasn’t thought that? Everyone who has ever lived?

The Chinese music wafting into my bedroom from the living room is so sweet. The singer I’m told, died while on a trip from Taiwan to Thailand some years ago. How sad. We work so hard at whatever it is we happen to find that really makes us happy only to find that it all for naught in the end. In the big scheme of things universally, what did we really accomplish? What was it all for? Nothing, really.

Not the place, the syndrome. It’s how I feel in this relationship. Why do I stay? Why does she stay? We hate each other but can’t stand the thought of leaving each other. And it’s not the jealousy issue. It’s just… Stockholm.

I read somewhere that if you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody…